History tells us that men behave wisely only after they have exhausted all other avenues. For the most part then, the global everyman would wish in one way or another that his life was other than it is.
Get up. Go to work. Come home. Eat. Sleep. Repeat.
We endure the cold, dead, bony fingers of State poking into the nether regions of our existence and are thus subject to infuriating interference into how we live and behave. It shouldn’t have to be this way.
New Year’s resolution? Get our manly mojo back. There’s still time to sow those wild oats.
I Wanna Be A Wild One
Ever since Marlon Brando shocked audiences in The Wild One and Ann-Margret sat astride a Triumph T100, many of us, I suspect, have hankered after a life of freedom on two wheels; the freedom that comes from being in a motorcycle club. MC life, as we would like it to be, is about pitting yourself against the world and going your own way on the highway of life, hands resting lightly on the T-bars and cruisin’ to the next adventure.
Of course, you can hit the open road in a car but I can understand that it is not the same. With most cars more concerned with being connected to the world than the tarmac today, the ability to feel the forces of nature on two wheels is very alluring. The sense of being more vulnerable on a bike is strong especially for those of a nervous disposition, but it’s clear that motorcycling remains an increasingly popular pastime and mode of transport with a wide variety of exciting machines available.
Obviously, you’re reliant to an extent on the vigilance of car drivers; always a worry these days and that’s why, when you hear the call of the wild, you need to start small. So my latest scheme to start a beginners MC Club should do the trick.
Slow & Steady Wins The Race
I have ridden a motorbike precisely twice and I admit that on neither occasion did it go well. My wife, or my “Old Lady” as she will become known, banned me a long time ago from two wheels and probably with good reason.
But that’s not going to stop me!
I can dream and ever since the first episode of Sons of Anarchy, I have wanted to start my own motorcycle club. It’s my New Year’s resolution. The thing is, I have realized that you’ve got to walk before you can run; that’s a given, especially with my riding record.
My club will be different because membership will not be for hairy-chested road outcasts but will be restricted to older riders of a skittish temperament and no criminal record. These are the ones who have previously had bad experiences with motorbikes but nevertheless hear the banshee call of the open road.
Our mojo will be cool like Steve McQueen’s (except we won’t be doing any barbed wire jumping) and we will throw caution to the wind, only strictly at the lower speed limit, lest we get told off by our “Old Ladies.”
There Has To Be Rules
Obviously, smoking will be banned as will overuse of the word “freaking.” Drugs are a no-no but members will be welcome to imbibe their own Viagra. Each new member gets a welcome pack containing a six-pack of non-alcoholic beer, some Valium, plus a photo of Katey Sagal. We will live according to our own rules in our own leisure time.
The initiation ceremony is the same for all. Prospects must enter their favorite hardware store and not buy anything.
So cut that old leather jacket and get stitching. Our top rocker will carry the club name: I was thinking maybe “The Poindexters” or “The Studmuffins” but it will be a club decision. The bottom rocker shows the legend, “Not Afraid Of All That Much.”
I’ll start the detailed planning just as soon as I’ve finished tiling the bathroom.
Reality Sets In
I was really up for this idea until my wife came into my office and asked if I wanted a sandwich.
“No,” I cried, leaping wildly from my captain’s chair. “I want a two-wheeled adventure! I want to ride my hog out into the desert and rescue gorgeous, pneumatic babes who will repay me with nights of . . . ” (the next passage of inappropriate and frankly unlikely steamy erotica has been expunged ).
“Very nice dear,” said my Old Lady. “Tuna and mayonnaise okay?”
On balance, I have decided that, for now, I will stick to four wheels. It’s better for the school run and somebody has now told me that motorcycles don’t have climate control. Still, perhaps one day boys; you know, when the weather warms up a bit?
Still, why not make a different New Year’s resolution for 2017? Something that changes your life or that of someone else? Whichever, have a great 2017 my American friends!
Geoff Maxted is a motoring writer, photographer, and author of our Letter From The UK series. Follow his work on Twitter: @DriveWrite