What a wonderful evening for you and your date, now strolling along after seeing the latest romantic comedy. It’s a picture perfect moment of true love about to be suddenly interrupted by a crazed maniac leaping from the alley!
He snarls and takes a hefty bite right out of your date!
You run him off and turn back to your lover, now motionless on the sidewalk.
“Baby, are you okay?”
There is some movement and you breathe a sigh of relief…but then she tries to take a bite out of you! Her teeth snap with dilated eyes enraged and deathly coloring filling her veins. It’s the zombie apocalypse and it has effectively ruined your evening.
What to do?
Many who have survived a zombie outbreak will spew all sorts of well-meaning recommendations. “Get a gun,” they say or “stock up on food and supplies.” Others insist on a fortified stronghold, like a large farm house, building or bunker. All good advice but I am going to encourage an automobile first. When legions of undead crave your tasty flesh, only dependable wheels will help you hence forth outta Dodge.
Here are Automoblog’s top 5 picks when zombies attack.
When cities overrun with masses of organ eaters, high ground is prime real estate. Mountains, hills and desert plateaus will serve best because of the vantage point they allow. In the wide open areas of nature, you will see zombies coming from miles away and have ample time to react.
It takes a solid 4×4 to reach the high ground but The Raptor can claw her way there patently. The 6.2, 411 horsepower, 434 lb.-ft. of torque, V8 won’t hurt anything either – in case you need to blow through a swarm of brain seekers on the way to the great outdoors.
#4 – Hummer H1 Alpha
Although the H1 Alpha had limited production, zombies blocking your route will wish the EPA stopped this mammoth from ever coming off the assembly line. The chassis is modified high strength steel accompanied by a Duramax Diesel engine and a 5 speed Allison transmission.
The Hummer H1 Alpha can practically tread water thanks to 16 inches of ground clearance and its climbing abilities are well documented. Like I said, the high ground is prime real estate and a Hummer H1 Alpha is an optimal selection.
There are also runflat tires, an invaluable bonus.
#3 – Hyundai Zombie Survival Machine
Ninja blades on the wheels, extra-large battering ram, and barricaded windows make this the perfect vehicle for surviving the zombie onslaught. Hyundai even has an app and a website where you can create your own four wheeled zombie killer.
They affectionately refer to it as the Walking Dead Chop Shop.
#2 – “BEATNGU”
Getting your hands on this rusted treasure provides an incredible advantage. The real driver of this truck may as well be the king of zombies, so when the undead see you race by, they will think you are their leader and forego attacking.
Laying on the horn will easily clear the path too. Even during a zombie epidemic, there is bound to be one jack apple driving too slow.
“BEATNGU” is a 1941 Chevrolet COE (Cab Over Engine) with a V8 and automatic transmission. To see its full capabilities, watch the first ten minutes or so of the 2001 motion picture, Jeepers Creepers.
#1 – Toyota Yaris
You laugh and think I am joking when I place this as number 1. Actually nothing about this article is a joke. Dismiss the Yaris but when zombies are snacking on your extremities like Beef Jerky, it will be too late to say “geez, maybe Carl was right.” Enjoy walking around and eating brains because you neglected to use yours in seizing this little Armageddon fighter.
Having a massive vehicle, loaded with guns will only attract the hordes. They are zombie magnets. A smaller car, like the Yaris, will go completely unnoticed.
When zombies attack, fuel suddenly becomes currency as gas stations are overrun. It’s a fact. While larger vehicles may deliver a lot of power, they also burn through gasoline faster – further proving this stealthy little octane sipper belongs at the top of the list.
During zombie chaos, even the most open roads end up littered with cars, corpses, airplanes, downed power lines, leftover military blockades and various other random debris, like mannequins. The larger the vehicle, the harder it is to move around all those obstacles. The Yaris will zip in and out in no time.
If there was ever solid relevance to the phrase “turns on a dime,” this is it. Most likely, as you drive along in the zombie apocalypse you will come face to face with a mass of thousands, maybe millions – all hungry for you deliciously, precious epidermis. There is no way to gun them all down and even the most powerful V8 won’t plow through them.
With the Yaris, you simply whip around and go the other way. A three point turn vs. a quick U-turn is the difference between survival and becoming zombie breakfast.
Have you survived a zombie outbreak? Let us know what car helped you!