Certain types of driving habits just get under our skin. And some of us, although we hate to admit it, have done something on this list. If you are currently engaged in one (or more) of these activities, it is never too late to stop. The first step is admitting you have a problem…
If you have ever been subject to somebody critiquing your every move behind the wheel, then you know what I am talking about. However, the Backseat Superstar goes one step farther. Not only do they criticize your driving but they talk exceptionally loud on their phone and make comments about every landmark, storefront and person you pass. If it wasn’t for your incredible self control they would have a face full of cloth from your seat. No doubt, if you have ridden with a Backseat Superstar, you have fantasized about randomly and suddenly hitting the brakes.
The Backseat Superstar can be, but not limited to: your girlfriend’s obnoxious best friend, mother-in-law and boss.
#2 – Premature Peter
When you are sitting at a red light and the person next to you keeps inching forward more and more . . . but it’s STILL red and STAYS red. Now pedestrians can’t cross the street because Premature Peter is sticking his business in everybody’s way.
Premature Peter’s can be, but not limited to: chronically impatient, anybody wearing a blue tooth headset (when not driving, these are Backseat Superstars) and eccentric old dudes.
#3 – The “I know a shortcut” Guy
Never listen to the Shortcut Guy. It is NEVER a shortcut. What happens, in horror flicks, when the vehicle full of hormone filled college kids, away for a weekend of drunken inspired orgies, asks the creepy local in the rocking chair, for a shortcut? Exactly! They get hacked to bits by a megalomaniac wielding a rusty chainsaw. Oh, and nobody ever finds them either. Listen to the great philosophers of Supertramp and take the long way home.
“I know a shortcut” Guy can be, but not limited to: any annoying and nosy co-worker, the overly self assured, the rural warrior and the smartphone obsessed.
#4 – NASCAR Ned
Twenty, thirty miles per hour over the speed limit acquired by flooring the accelerator every time they depart a stopped position. With these people, it is unsafe to drink a cup of coffee while in the passenger seat. They drift everybody and when they pass on the interstate during rush hour, your very life flashes before your eyes. Extreme cases have them pulling into the gas station at 45 mph and complaining the attendants didn’t put on 4 new tires and make a wedge adjustment.
NASCAR Ned can be, but not limited to: anybody who watches NASCAR or equivalent motor sport, Vin Diesel wannabes, soccer moms and first time drivers.
#5 – Fart Can Frank
Popular among the street racer crowd, fart cans often weigh more than the actual car itself and serve no purpose other than to show the world you are indeed an ultra tool. Congratulations, I can’t hear anything. Fart Can Frank can be, but not limited to: Vin Diesel wannabes, high school kids and general posers.
#6 – Perpetual Blinker Bob
Are you really turning or not? Are you actually going to switch lanes!?!? How do you NOT hear the “click, click, click” of your blinker, over and over and over and over again? The second I realize I have been cruising with my blinker on, I am always guilt ridden and promptly ask myself, “how LONG did I drive like that?” Perpetual Blinker Bob also shares a close connection with anybody driving with their gas cap dangling on the side of their car.
Perpetual Blinker Bob can be, but not limited to: those who listen to music too loudly, high school science teachers and the emotionally zoned out.
# 7 – Lift Kit Larry
A GMC Sierra 3500 is big enough. I don’t need to be able to walk under it. It freaks me out when I am driving my sister-in-law’s Corolla and I look over and see nothing but suspension. There is NO ideal place on the road for a Lift Kit Larry! If they are behind you, terror consumes every thought because they could run over you instantly. Remember those old Bigfoot videos of Bob Chandler crushing poor, innocent cars? And if they are ahead of you, your lungs beg for mercy as they blow grim reaper shaped, diesel laced, exhaust from that massive tailpipe. Thanks for the poison now please save some gasoline for the rest of us.
Lift Kit Larry can be, but not limited to: those with a “Cowboy Up” decal, anybody with a “This is NOT my Husband’s Truck” sticker, anybody sporting a Calvin taking a whiz on the competition and those who believe life is one long country music video. Particular bonus points are awarded to the Lift Kit Larry who proudly displays the caption “haulin’ ass and suckin’ gas” somewhere on the truck.
# 8 – Turtle Heads
Slow and steady wins the race? Ever been trapped behind one of these trying people? Even in the left lane, they are strolling about, completely oblivious to the entire world. Their sense of responsibility leaving early for an appointment and driving the speed limit is as infuriating as it is ghastly. Calling them “Sunday Drivers” is an exercise in kindness, especially when they hit their brakes for the invisible squirrel in the road.
Turtle Heads are, but not limited to: elderly, emotionally zoned out and pot smokers.
#9 – Bumper Hugger
There are no words . . . you know who you are. And NEVER Bumper Hug a Turtle Head. It will end badly.
Bumper Huggers are, but not limited to: Anybody who watches NASCAR or equivalent motor sport, the super important guy who is always in a hurry, the recently divorced and general jack apples.
#10 – Zany Zoomers
You come up on what appears to be a Turtle Head. No problem. You hit your blinker (which has NOT been on this whole time) and move to the left lane but as you are about to pass, they SPEED up! What . . . the . . . F word. I believe these people are psychotic and enjoy tormenting every soul they encounter on the road. They won’t let you pass and when you go back to the right lane, they slow down again. It’s a never ending mind game – they may act like it is an innocent mistake but don’t believe them for a second. It’s intentional!
Zany Zoomers are, but not limited to: emotionally disturbed, dorm room practical jokers, the recently divorced and those with big egos.
#11 – Jiggly Juggler aka Jalopy Juggalo
The miniature junkyard lurking inside has engulfed all available seating, except for a small area on the driver’s side. Soda cans, fast food wrappers, clothes, newspapers and let’s not forget that pungent odor that causes your nose hairs to burst into flames. Every time you see one of these people, two words come to mind.
But their messy car links to a larger lifestyle; which is why these joyful tarts will always be putting you in mortal danger as they text, apply makeup, eat, smoke, yell at kids, sing along with the radio, rummage through the glove box, get dressed, pee in one of their empty soda containers and juggle any number of incredible feats while operating the steering wheel with their knees.
Jiggly Jugglers aka Jalopy Juggalos are, but not limited to: your girlfriend’s obnoxious best friend, your girlfriend, your sister, the average college student and hoarders.
Did I miss one?
What driving characteristics make you want to check into the nut house? Let me know in the comments below.