First they come for our nuts, but where will it end? Where will it end I ask you!?! Because I can tell you right now, that this God-fearing Murican will give up his nuts when you pry them from my cold dead hands. Wait. Oh. You mean Truck Nutz? Well that’s different.
You know, there’s a lot of reasons, a whole lot of reasons for someone not to have a pair of these hanging from the hitch on their truck. Primary among them is that it’s just a highly visible way to announce that all of your aesthetic sense is in your mouth and you’ve most likely got the mental horsepower of a Trabant.
All that said though, the only people who come off looking more like knuckle-dragging proto-hominids are the members of the Bonneau, South Carolina court and law establishment. For that is the town (most likely comprising a line of hollowed out earthen mounds) which is under the watchful eye of Police Department Chief Franco Fuda, who recently spotted the offending, um, ornaments dangling from the rear of 65-year-old woman’s pickup truck.
Said 65-year-old woman is one Virginia Tice, who faces a hefty $445 fine for her choice of aftermarket adornments. It seems that in South Carolina, something becomes legally indecent “when it describes, in an offensive way as determined by contemporary community standards, ‘sexual acts, excretory functions, or parts of the human body.’”
Now, anyone with a brain capable of a cursory understanding of the ambiguous nature of words like “offensive”, “contemporary”, “standards”, and “parts” knows that Officer, sorry, Police Department Chief Fuda, couldn’t just throw the ticket at her and say pay up. So, in a premeditated act of fiscal responsibility, Fuda requested a frickin’ jury trial to acquire some lucidity on this staggeringly important legal issue.
To add to this Keystone-esque application of “justice”, there is this quote from Police Department Chief Fuda: “I went to (a) few websites that said, excuse the expression, ‘show your nuts’ … I didn’t see anywhere it said support your local proctologist or farmer.”
Let me just gently pull an excerpt here: ” … support your local proctologist … “. Uh, Officer, proctologist aren’t the guys that fondle your testicles, usually it’s a urologist does that. And framer!? What, for the love of A.J. Foyt, does a farmer have to do with … ah never mind.
And no, I’m not doing up a gallery of Truck Nutz photos.