In A World That Worships BMW, Someone’s Gotta Be Different

I don’t like BMWs. (Gasp.) I never have. (Double gasp.)

I guess one reason why is that a BMW is a perfect example of consistent, terrible styling, and when all BMWs look THE SAME, you end up with a whole line of ugly cars.

Another reason, I suppose, is that BMWs are the auto journalists favorite little angel. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but almost every time a comparison test involves a BMW, the BMW wins. “Almost” meaning, like, 9.5 times out of ten. I don’t even have to read the results and I’ll know who the winner will be. In only one circumstance have I ever been wrong, and that was when I read this ridiculous article from Car and Driver. In it they compared the Porsche 911 Turbo, the Nissan GT-R, and the BMW M3. Now, I usually predict BMW, but as soon as I saw this I knew the GT-R would win, because not even Car and Driver could be dumb enough to not proclaim as the winner anyone other than the GT-R…right?

Wrong. Somehow, through some celestial event or as the result of too many shot glasses tipped back, Car and Driver named, surprise, the M3 as the winner. Now how the hell did that happen? As much as I have my own stubborn, subjective opinions about the overrated GT-R; it is obvious, even to my incorrigible, biased brain, that the Nissan GT-R wins hands-down against the M3. And yet the Bimmer won.

Which brings me to my third point. The M3. If BMWs are the nerds in class who always suck up to the teacher, then the M3 is the kid whose nose is so brown from kissing the teacher’s ass that his sense of smell is off-kilter, and the teacher, for some damn reason, loves this little kid the most of all. That’s pretty much how I feel about the M3, and no matter how much you love BMW, you have to admit that that is pretty much the case, albeit rendered in a cruder manner.

In fact, now that I think about it, the M3 is the main reason I dislike pretty much all “Ultimate Driving Machines”. I don’t know why auto journalists are such suckers for M3s (and BMWs in general), and the blatant, obvious, disgusting, sheer loving adoration Car and Driver has for the M3 just makes me sick to the stomach. The M3 has been the winner of every comparison I have ever seen. Why?

Well, in spite of my opinionated thoughts, I must admit that the M3 does have its merits. Quite a lot of them in fact, and I know the M3 is a very well executed automobile. However, it’s not as good as the journalists would have you believe, especially those BMW lap dogs who would have you believe that said company can do no wrong. The performance of the M3 is great, but not fantastic. It’s handling is good, but not as good, as, say, a Porsche. It’s fast, but not as fast as the Nissan GT-R. It has good acceleration, but not as good, as, say, a Mercedes C63 AMG. You see what I’m getting at here? The M3 is bested at every aspect by a car it has been compared to, yet it still wins. Maybe it’s the interior?

What you see inside a BMW M3 is what you get. It is neither better nor any worse than what you expect. The interior is luxurious, but is cold and somber. Aesthetically it is functional but boring. It is, in plainer words, average. Now, that’s all acceptable, until you get to the one thing in the M3 that isn’t what you expect. This little chrome circle just aft of the shifter. And your mood immediately darkens as you comprehend what you are looking at.

IDrive. It’s iDrive. That—pardon my crudity—bastard iDrive. It is, I swear, the most retarded and frustrating piece of machinery I have ever come into contact with, and that includes my ancient Windows ME edition computer with dial-up internet connection which is prone to freezing anytime I visit a site more complicated than “Google”. It cannot be truly explained how hateful the thing is until you experience it for yourself. No car, no matter how perfect everything else is, can be guiltlessly endorsed when crippled by such a thing as iDrive.

Overall, the M3 is an average car, especially when compared to its competitors. It’s not fast…but it’s also not slow. It handles not good…but not bad either. It’s luxurious…but not very. And, perhaps most importantly, it is better than some but worse than a lot as well. The M3 is, for example, better than a Lexus IS-F but not as good as Merc’s C63 AMG. Yet in a recent comparison test by Motor Trend, the M3, unsurprisingly, won. Average performance, average comfort, and ugly looks seem to be what auto journalists cherish, and an overall average car with nothing special (save iDrive, God forbid) seems to be the favorite of journalists everywhere.

Look at the BMW M3 at the top, then look at the cars underneath it, then tell me honestly and with a straight face that you would rather have the Bimmer. Undoubtedly, some of you can. Undoubtedly, most of you would be lying. The rest would simply be retarded.

(Pics courtesy of Motor Trend)

Of course, I don’t mean every journalist, or every car magazine. Motor Trend’s Arthur St. Antoine just wrote a welcome and much needed column on the myth about BMW supremacy. In it he notes that Bimmer’s reputation has been maintained by the only good series in the lineup— the 3 Series. All the rest basically suck, to make a long story short. I’m also pleased to see someone slam a BMW, and expose it as an overpriced abomination, which the article does with the X6, a pathetic attempt by BMW to charge an exorbitant price for a vehicle that is, for all purposes, worthless.

And perhaps the last reason that I’m predisposed to dislike BMWs is that the competition is getting better and better, in many cases surpassing BMW, yet people are set in their ways and want to remain blind to anything that doesn’t carry the blue and white propeller. Take, for instance, the new Caddy CTS. Or the Infiniti G37. Or Jaguar’s XF. Or the Mercedes C300. These cars have all been noticed and in some cases showered with praise, but are considered by a hell of a lot of people to be inferior to the 3 Series, when they sure as hell aren’t.

And as for BMW’s performance models, the Mercedes C63 AMG, for example, matches and bests the M3 in every category. The upcoming CTS-V promises, at least on paper, to absolutely destroy the M3. Audi’s RS 4 is a great car as well, albeit rather pricey. The Bimmer M5 is outmatched by the Audi S6 and Mercedes’ E63 AMG. Cadillac’s new CTS-V is supposed to compete with the M3 but its performance numbers best even that of the M5.

Go up to the 7 Series, and a whole slew of better cars await, Maserati Quattroporte and Mercedes S-Class among them. If you want sportier, the Cadillac XLR and Aston Martin’s V8 Vantage offer luxury and power in a package the 7 Series can’t match.

My point through all this is that BMW godliness is simply non-existent, but has fooled many into thinking other great brands are merely equal to or are somehow less than the celebrated Bavarian marque. The truth is, BMWs are good, in some cases even great, but it ain’t the best. Not by a long shot.

Filed Under: BMW • Car Opinions